


I Begin to Walk (with no fear)

by tukimecca



Series: Everything that makes me whole (I'll dedicate them all to you) [4]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Boys In Love, Canon Related, Jaehyun is smitten, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-10
Updated: 2017-08-10
Packaged: 2018-12-13 16:30:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11763888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tukimecca/pseuds/tukimecca
Summary: Jaehyun thinks Taeyong deserved to be cherished. Taeyong is not worried Jaehyun is going to the jungle.





	I Begin to Walk (with no fear)

_In this slanted world where "love" has slowly lost its meaning_  
_I'm falling, but you supported me_  
_Smiling down on me, you said,_ _  
_ "It's easier than standing on jostling train."

All My Love is for You - SNSD

:::

Frown is supposed to make you unattractive.

The scowl, the furrowing of brows, the creases on your forehead, the displeasure that writes itself on your face.

Really, it’s supposed to make you unapproachable at least even if it doesn’t make you unattractive, but the way Taeyong is frowning right now makes him looks cure - _very_ , if Jaehyun might add - and the urge to kiss those pouty lips crawls on his skin like spider.

Jaehyun settles with licking his lips instead, pressing his thigh closer to Taeyong’s, and taps his finger on the dancer’s knee. “What’s with the long face?”

Taeyong blinks, once, twice. Jaehyun feels weak on the knees when those pair of deer-eyes turn to him, frown still intact. He is still attractive, very, very attractive. And Jaehyun longs to kiss him until the lines disappear.

He is in public, their plane is leaving soon. There are his members, staffs, other passengers, and strangers. He has their career in the line if he lets his tiger won. Jaehyun quells his hunger with another soft touch on warm knee. “Hmm?”

“I saw,” Taeyong cocks his head aside, frowning deeper. He looks lost, genuinely so in the innocent way a child is. _Cute, cute, cute_. Jaehyun can hear Johnny’s scowl in his head. Also, Doyoung’s. And Yuta’s. “A banner today, the one I showed you, remember?”

Jaehyun’s mind reversed the hands of time in his memory. A banner. Today. Taeyong showed him. There were many banners, many faces, many fans, and encouraging cheers. _Banners_. There were so many banners. It’s not that Jaehyun can see them clearly from the lack of light, but he’s sure there were so many banners.

So, okay, _banner_. Taeyong is talking about this one specific banner; the one Taeyong had showed him. Jaehyun frowns himself, because out of all things he could remember from today’s event other than enthusiastic fans (which really, really touched him because this was the first time they performed in this country), is how beautiful Taeyong was.

Of course Taeyong is beautiful. Every day. Every time. Every single ticking minutes and seconds. He doesn’t think Taeyong can be anything less than beautiful, even with the frown on his face.

He is sublime, a pair of bedazzling obsidians for his eyes, diamond-cut for his jaw, and blossoming petals for his lips. Taeyong is unreal, and even if he has known him for so many years, sometimes he still cannot believe that someone as divine as Taeyong is real. He cannot be human for how fascinating he is, like a dream; unreal and Jaehyun finds himself often fearing his _hyung_ is going to disappear for dream, as beautiful as it can be, is fleeting.

Thankfully for him, Taeyong is real. He is there, right beside Jaehyun, the warmth of his skin seeps through the fabric of his jeans. The faint scent of clean cotton sheet and clear, sparkling lake envelops Jaehyun like water; leaving no gap, only gentle ebb and flow that’s strangely comforting. His eyes are on Jaehyun, questioning, and he was stunning again today, on the stage, dancing, performing; in his element, when he is the most beautiful.

Jaehyun is sure even the fans would agree with him; it’s not his fault that he has difficulty remembering anything but Taeyong, he is _that_ captivating. People who couldn’t see it must be blind, or they have either their sight of heart impaired that they fail to address the charm of Lee Taeyong. Jaehyun laments for them, sends them his deepest condolences and wishes of well.

 _Anyways_ , banner. One banner. Taeyong’s scowl does nothing but deepen when he picks up Jaehyun’s obliviousness. The younger boy’s heart scrambles, desperately begging for his brain to work properly and find the particular banner from somewhere in his memory.

He congratulates himself, pats himself on the back, and sings endless praises for his handsome brain when image – or rather; _sound_ – of Taeyong’s giggle resonated in his head. He remembers Taeyong nudging him on the elbow, said quietly under his breathe, “ _look_.” But Jaehyun was too intoxicated in that joyous tinker of his laugh to actually do what he’s asked.

In conclusion, Jaehyun didn’t exactly see the banner, but maybe Taeyong didn’t realize it, so he thought Jaehyun knew.

The truth is; he _doesn’t_ , and he can already imagine how upset Taeyong would be upon this discovery. Which he has already done, indeed, because he purse his lips forward in utterly cute pout that makes Jaehyun almost forsake his self-restraint and swoops in for a loud, messy kiss.

The brunette steels himself, squeezes Taeyong knee, and gives him the most sincerely apologetic look he could muster, the one that never fail to make Taeyong forgive him, not because he looks like a kicked puppy but because Taeyong is that _weak_ for him, as weak as Jaehyun is when it comes to his pink-haired leader. They cannot stay mad that long at each other, it’s too excruciating, the thought of not being close to each other.

“You didn’t see.”

“I’m sorry,” Jaehyun gives his knee another squeeze. A plea to his case. “I didn’t- it was so-“

Taeyong sighs, lightly slapping Jaehyun’s hand on his knee, still pouting. “It’s fine. It was dark anyways, not sure you could see it.”

 _No. I could see it, probably. But I was too captivated by you_. “I-“

“It said; _I cherish you_ ,” Taeyong said in accented English, dropping his gaze to where their hands are resting together. “It’s…what does it mean, Jaehyunnie? I cannot seem to remember, it’s in the back of my head.”

And Jaehyun cannot seem to remember either. Not because English has become foreign to him, but because when it comes to Taeyong, he seems to have difficulty to remember anything but him.

But it isn’t supposed to be hard to know what it means, though, not when word ‘ _cherish_ ’ is something he’d always associate with Taeyong.

He cherishes him, every day. Every single breath he takes is to cherish Lee Taeyong, to make him know he’s loved and appreciated. Every single step he takes is to walk by Taeyong’s side, to accompany him in his journey to unravel the world he is yet to see and discover himself. Every single sound he makes is to tell Taeyong he is not alone, Jaehyun is near, always, and will never go away.

A voice, sad and regretful, resounds in his head; _but you are leaving him, soon_. And Jaehyun feels his breathe falters, heart quiver. Sadness that runs, deep like toxic called affection in his blood, announces its arrival in solemn whisper.

Yes, he is leaving. Soon, indeed.

He is leaving Taeyong, somewhere far across the lands and oceans. Fiji. It’s so far away, ten hours flight and a little more. It’s a distance that cannot be crossed easily. It’s a distance that they never found themselves separated by.

Five hundred and sixteen miles were torturous enough for him. This time, the length is timed by ten, and Jaehyun’s heart howls in sorrow. It’s just not a day or two; more. He probably won’t be able to see Taeyong for a week, and this would be the first time since they found themselves debuting together.

It felt pretty weird on top of being acute the first time around when Taeyong was abroad for NCT Life shooting, to wake up and find the lack of Taeyong’s presence in the kitchen. It was foreign to hear no classical music drifting from Taeyong’s room at night.

The dorm felt unbearably empty without Taeyong’s compelling presence. His life, for once, felt like it held less meaning that he thought it was without Taeyong’s dear company. It was only three days back then, it’s exceeds the number this time, and Jaehyun fears more how he’d fare with the lack of his Hyung around him than how he’d survive the unforgiving jungle.

He had watched the show, familiar enough with the numerous unwanted injuries that had befall the cast. Yet, he wanted to join. It’s not a chance that comes every day, and the lion inside of him longs for that thrill of survival. For that rush of adrenaline as they venture deep into enigmatically inviting maze of greens.

Enigmatic. Inviting. Curious allure. It’s like Taeyong; Taeyong and his dark, deer-eyes, and unfathomable depth.

In that sense, he’s like a jungle; so beautiful like tall columns of emerald trees and vivid bright petals, but also dangerous because you do not know what lurks inside. You are aware that it’s not always safe inside, there’s a monster, asleep and ready, but it’s calling you in; the rustle of leaves, the song of grass, the echoes of birds.

 _Come in_ , they’d call. And you’re bewitched; human is creature of curiosity after all. Promise of treasure that might lies inside, raw-untouched, messes your senses, you’d find yourself stepping in, deep, deep into the labyrinth of timber and wilderness.

Taeyong is, a jungle, a forest so rich and deep, opulent with lushes of amber and green. In his forest there are gems, there are diamonds, there is spring with water azure-clear, but they’re all protected with bushes of thorn and barricades of fang.

It had been a long journey for Jaehyun, to discover those treasures that Lee Taeyong carries deep inside his forest. It wasn’t easy. It was hard. There was time when Jaehyun felt it’s a battle he could never win because Taeyong protected himself, so dense of tight beyond the thick wall of barbed vines.

Jaehyun was persistent. He was sincere. He could not abandon his hyung alone just like his eyes couldn’t seem to leave his figure, and his mind wondered around Lee Taeyong. He wasn’t charmed, nor was he bewitched under cruel spell; he is simply _human_ , loving and curious.

He emerged victorious in the end, maybe bloodied a little and scratched here and there, but the feeling of having Taeyong in his arms, gravitating toward him like it’s natural phenomenon, was enough cure already, and Jaehyun wouldn’t want to trade it with anything. His scars, he wears it proudly like medallion. His prize, he treasures him the way he deserved to be revered.

Jaehyun is not scared, Jaehyun is not worried. He feels braver than ever, excited like he’s never been before. In his ears, are drums of war. He feels the rush of enthusiasm surging in his veins. He wants to go, wants to test his limit and comeback stronger. Better. Greater.

It’s the only hunger that can seem to beat his need for having Taeyong near. His desire to be _better_ , _more_ , because he cannot be anything less than that. Because unless he’s as strong, he cannot protect those people he holds dear, Taeyong more so than the others.

Taeyong understands. Taeyong might be the only one who understands because in the middle of doubts and objections, he’s support and approval.

“It’s good, isn’t it?” Taeyong had said, looking at Jaehyun fondly with glimmering eyes that spoke of pride. “I’m sure he’d do well. Right, Jaehyunnie?”

There were voices of arguments, voicing out their protests that’re born out of worry and concern for Jaehyun’s well-being more than anything. Jaehyun held  his voice back for a while, locking his gaze with Taeyong’s trusting one; those eyes that perfectly hid his fear and trepidation.

But Jaehyun knew better. Jaehyun caught the tremor behind them, understood that convincing people that Jaehyun would be fine is Taeyong’s way of ensuring himself. The many times he said, “He will be fine,” was his distress of signal, and Jaehyun had to answer it by speaking himself.

“I will be okay, guys, thanks for worrying about me, but I want to do this.”

“But it’s dangerous Jaehyun. You have watched it, the jungle is dangerous show.”

Jaehyun spoke, this time louder and firmer. He got to win his case, for Taeyong who had testified for him. “I know, but I will be okay, I’ll be careful. I promise.” In the end, they had agreed, albeit begrudgingly. The members didn’t stop coddling him for a while, but it didn’t last very long, much to Jaehyun’s relief.

He was fussy about what Jaehyun would bring, of course. In fact, he doubts Taeyong will let Jaehyun pack for himself. He’s hell-bent of doing all the packing for him. But Taeyong never once spoke about his concern. The word, “I’m worried for you,” never once slipped past those pretty lips of his.

Nevertheless, he stayed. Close. Closer than ever. He’s there, at finger-length whenever Jaehyun needed him. He’s there, clutching the strap of Jaehyun’s bag when they walked out of the airport. He’s there, pressing their knees together in the car. He’s there, leaning his head on Jaehyun’s shoulder when they’re away from public’s eyes but still under the watchful eyes of their staff and member.

Nobody said anything even though they noticed the sudden increasing of Taeyong’s clinginess. He’s practically glued to Jaehyun every single day already anyways, and with the upcoming departure – one that might threaten Jaehyun’s safety, his need to be constantly closer than always is understandable.

It’s his way of saying, _‘I’m worried.’_

It’s his way of saying, _‘I fear for you_.’

But he cannot ever voice them out because if admitting your fear means making it real, than Taeyong rather fools himself and pretends it doesn’t exist at all.

Jaehyun always wonder if Taeyong is real, and it’s moment like this that reminds him he is.

So small, so full of worries. So fearful. So dear and incredibly human.

It makes his heart coos in adoration. It makes his heart swell with the need to become stronger. More. Better. Always, because he needs to protect this beautiful boy who has made Jaehyun’s life thousands of time better with his generous heart.

He treasures him. He had claimed it out loud in front of their fans, hiding behind the flimsy mask of anonymity that he knew wouldn’t last anyways. They would know it’s him – _Taeyong_ would know it’s him.

“ _You know that I treasure you the most, right?”_ he had written, and he knew the confusion was nothing more than pretension. Despite his claim that he didn’t know Jaehyun that well, he’s actually anything but (and Jaehyun is never tired to remind him that, _no, Hyung, you know me, better than anything else. Always_ ).

There is no lie in that statement. It’s as sure and true as the waning and waxing of moon. It’s as certain and lawful as gravity-fall. He treasures him, _cherishes_ him, and to know there are other people who feel as much for Taeyong makes his heart sears with affection.

After all, there’s nothing that Taeyong deserves more than love and devotion for every hardships and heartbreak he’s went through.

“What does it mean?” Taeyong asks once again, rattling Jaehyun out of his reverie. His sounds quiet, maybe because it’s late already. Maybe because he’s tired. Maybe there is no particular reason behind the softening of his voice, and Jaehyun’s mind tends to be overly imaginative when it comes to Taeyong.

Maybe Jaehyun needs to answer the question soon because he’s been silent for way too long for his Hyung to deserve such treatment. “You know I treasure you the most, right?” Jaehyun ended up blurting it out, much to his and Taeyong’s surprise.

“Huh?”

“I mean,” he swallows, cursing his clumsiness. He tries once again, this time, voice steadier, gaze secure on Taeyong’s questioning one. “ _Cherish_ , it means _treasure_ , too. Appreciative. Thankful. Grateful.”

Taeyong tilts his head aside, blinking once. Blinking twice. Blinking like stars, calling out. Sparkling silver. Thousand years of light. Timeless burn. _Beautiful_.

“Thank you for being born,” Jaehyun says. Soft. Sincere. He runs his thumb on the side of Taeyong’s keen. His hyung doesn’t flinch, just looking at him like Jaehyun is the only thing he can see, and, really, Taeyong is the only thing Jaehyun can see as well. “That kind of appreciative. That kind of caring. Giving you attention. Lo-taking care of you.”

He stutters because the _L_ word is not supposed to be heard by anyone. Taeyong understands anyways, because nobody does it better than him, and all Jaehyun wants to do is do the same for him. “Like you do?”

A smile sketches itself on his face. He can feel his cheeks heating up, his dimples deepening. He can hear his heart sings, a merry jubilation. He can do everything right now, jump from the top of building or march deep into a war.

He can if it’s for Taeyong.

“I- yeah, I guess. I do. I treasure you, cherish you.”

“Me too,” Taeyong says. He nods, and smile that blossoms on his face is bright like rising sun. Soft like mother’s hand.

Slowly, shyly, Jaehyun locks their hands together. Skin to skin. Tight and close there is no gap between their fingers. He’s aware of eyes around, but Jaehyun likes danger it seems, just like he loves Taeyong, and this _much_ should be fine compared to the actual thing that Jaehyun wants to do to him. “I can’t promise you I will come back unscathed.”

“I know. It would be unrealistic if I asked you too either.”

“I’m sorry.”

Taeyong shakes his head. “Don’t be.” A squeeze. “Just come home, I’ll treat your wounds.”

“Wounds,” Jaehyun lets himself laugh, bringing a little sprinkle of joy to their conversation, “it’s like you expected me to have many.”

“You would, won’t you?” Taeyong shrugs. He doesn’t sound nonchalant nor accusing. He’s just pointing out truth, acknowledging the possibility.

Jaehyun bites his lips, guilty slipping into his voice. “Most probably.”

“Hmm,” the elder boy drops his gaze to their joined hands, remains quiet for a while, then, “just come home.”

“I will,” Jaehyun answers right away. With no doubt. With no hesitation. Just like his love for Taeyong. Just like how he treasures and cherishes this star trapped in human’s ephemeral body. “This, I can promise.”

It’s dead AM in the morning. It’s past midnight. It was lunar eclipse so the moon is still full, hanging silver tinted cherry outside. Their plane will leave soon, then the day Jaehyun has to leave will draw itself closer.

Yet, he is not afraid. _They_ are not afraid, because as long as they have each other to come back to, they’ll find each other. As long as Taeyong waits for him, Jaehyun will return, no matter how many scars will mar his skin.

“You better,” Taeyong murmurs, leaning his head on Jaehyun’s shoulder. Fingers interlocking together.

Jaehyun whispers, “I will.” Jaehyun swears, “I’ll come back to you.”

Time, it ticks. Soon, it will bring them home.

**Author's Note:**

> Look who's here shamelessly with another self-indulgent oneshot. I just HAD TO after TY saw Zi's banner; I HAD TO. Then JH is announced for LOTJ; GOD, I JUST HAD TO.  
> That kind of explained TY's clingy-ness (even though he's always clingly, I mean, jaeyong cannot stay far away too long from each other, no tea, just fax), but in my head, I don't think he'd be that worried? Feeling lonely, yes, but TY in my head is always the mature one, hence, him in this story.
> 
> Apologize for any timeline or place inaccuracy. Set after SPOTIFYONSTAGE 20170809, supposedly on T2 boarding room, flight 23:45 GMT+7. No, I didn't go to the airport. I couldn't even go because working woman got her responsibility. But I WAS tempted to visit their hotel in case they didn't fly back to Korea after the event.


End file.
